User blog:AnimatronicClown/Borderline
Hey there, everyone (if anyone). I'm not so sure that anyone reads these, which is okay. I feel like maybe they will someday, and I want to make sure I'm here for anyone who may need me. I know I'm not special, or inspirational, or really even helpful probably. And since I say that, I now have to say six positive things about myself. My new rule from my therapist is that for evey negative thing I say about myself, I have to say two positive things. Two positives is suprisingly very difficult for me. I also have to write down two positive things that happened to me each day, which is also really hard. I also have some other rules she set, so I guess I'll just talk about those today, and if anyone actually reads this, maybe these rules can help you, too. I'll include some of my personal information to explain them. Aside from the two positives for every negative, and recording two positives each day, here are my other new rules: *I have to accept compliments. I'm apparently what they call a "control freak". I'm not good at allowing others to compliment or encourage me. For instance, I've been doing a bit better in school finally this year, and I'm getting caught up on my work. My grandmother told me she was proud of me, and could tell I was doing better. I guess that kind of scared me or something, because I asked her not to say that. I told her I didn't want to jinx it, and it could stop being so great, so please don't give your hopes up. My therapist says that's not the right thing to do, because I'm trying to not allow her to have her own thoughts and feelings, which is wrong. So now I have to allow people to compliment and encourage me, because that's their right to feel how they want to. This will be a challenge for me. *I have to also work on saying sorry. I have an extremely excessive habit of apologizing for almost everything. If you need an idea, let me give you some examples of some of the things I apologize for... Coughing, emails, asking questions, talking too much, being nervous, mistakes when talking, inability to do something small, forgetting things, slightly bumping someone beside me (sometimes, they don't even notice), tripping, if something isn't working for someone, if I need help with something, being confused, and many more. Now that I'm so into my typing mode for this blog post, I'm going to go ahead and add some other rules that I have made myself. My therapist didn't ask me to do these, but I think I need to: *I need to stop needing reassurance. When I say this, I mean I'm pretty diligent about getting assurance/approval/closure from other people. I'll explain with some more examples here. I am constantly asking people if they're okay. I'm not always sure why I do this. It's kind of like the feeling where my mood/feelings transition from okay/happy to paranoid/nervous. I suddenly just feel like I need to ask someone if they're okay. It's that feeling that something is off''. A lot of the time, they aren't acting any different than usual, but I feel like they are for some reason I cannot explain. Rarely ever do they reply with "No, I'm not okay." They're almost always fine. And, a lot of the time, I don't ask just once. Often, I'll ask them again within a span of 5-10 minutes. Just typing this behavior makes me feel like it's really odd, dumb, and really doesn't make any sense. Another example is the fact that I will ''constantly go and ask/talk to someone about almost every decision I make. Most of the time, these decisions are so small and insignificant that there's honestly no point and going to get an OK or some reassurance for it. Here are some examples of those things... Choosing a book to read, how many pages I plan on reading, what color to use for certain drawings/projects/work, asking about my handwriting, asking if my grades are okay, sending an email to a teacher, making sure I'm not talking to much, and most especially, asking if I'm annoying. If I don't go over things with someone (usually my grandma, who is so amazing and never minds), then it bothers the heck out of me, and I feel so uncomfortable going through with what I'm doing, when in reality, it's ''not a big deal at all. I just realized this got kind of long. And funny thing, ''I was just about to type sorry for that. *Another thing I think I personally need to work on is allowing myself to make mistakes. I am also termed as a perfectionist. It's not so fun, either. I'm not an angry person. I experience my emotions very strongly, but anger is the only one, I think, that I just don't have that much of. I can get cranky and snappy, sure, but that's normal. I, as a rule, really don't take my anger out on anyone... except myself. Every single time I make a mistake, I get so ''infuriated ''with myself. I won't let it go, and I know that's not good. In this book I read (about a girl with OCD), she had to allow herself to make small, miniscule mistakes that wouldn't affect her. Things like make a small grammar/spelling error on her school work. I'm crazy about writing, and grammar, and everything like that. I know I make plenty of mistakes in these posts (I mean, there's not even a spell check...), but I don't do them on purpose, and I often don't notice them because I don't have the time to go back through these and really search for them. Anyways, that would be a very difficult task for me to do, to allow myself to purposely make an error in spelling/grammar on some of my school work. That's why I want to try it. I think it will help me. This blog post got so long so quickly, and even though I'm not supposed to, I do apologize for how long it is. I'm really not joking. I truly feel the need to say sorry for the length. Like I said earlier, I'm really doubtful that anyone actually takes the time to read these. If you did, though, I appreciate it more than I am able to express to you. It means the world to me that you read this. I think typing all of my thoughts and feelings and progress helps me a lot. I didn't originally plan for this to help ''me, ''because my goal is to help others with all of this, my story, my progress, my journey to happiness. In the end, it has been helping me, but I hope so greatly that this helps even just one individual person. I love all of you so very much, and I care for you so immensely. I hope that you have a wonderful day, week, month, life. You all deserve happiness. Everyone does. Thank you so very much for being here. Category:Blog posts